Writing Exercise - Klaus Schultz's music
For this exercise I reflected on the end of semester. Of course, for me it's a bit delayed, but that just ties into the overall end-of-semester stress that everybody has to face one way or another. Looking at this, I see just how much trouble I've lined myself up for, and recognise that I need to confront that face on and just get on with things.
I hope that I can find it within myself to keep up this blog. I've always been a fan of freewriting, which is what this blog has tended to focus on. But I also love to comment on the things that I read about gaming and games. This blog has really filled that niche, and my aim is to try and keep it up after I've finished up all my assignments.
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I have always had lofty plans for myself. Become a famous director, become a rich photographer, invent something everybody wants, change the world ... And here I am, 23, nearly a quarter of a century old, still in the strange in-between world of university.
And the crazy thing is that I'm about to sign myself up for another four years of it. I've had a burning desire to do a PhD for about three years now. My passion for it is so strong that I've actually convinced friends to go for postgraduate work, as well. And yet here I am, the most passionate of all of us, still stuck in undergrad.
I know that there's a lot of things that contributed to my being here - my father being diagnosed with brain cancer is a pretty big one. And I don't resent the situation, not at all. How can I? My life is what it is. But I do see it as a form of weakness within myself that I wasn't able to deal with what happened in my family and still pull off my degree. I suppose I just don't have that steel minded dedication that's required for that sort of achievement.
It's bizarre - when it comes to my family I will sacrifice anything, especially myself. But when it comes to my academic work I can't seem to get going. Maybe it's because I'm afraid that I won't be good at what I want to be? Or maybe it's because I don't really know what I'll do when I reach the end of my postgraduate studies, and so am sort of subconsciously self-sabotaging myself to prolong getting there?
Whatever the case, I've decided that this is the last time. It's why I'm now madly trying to scramble around and catch up on all of the assignments that I let fall by the wayside when I went back to the states to see my extended family. I refuse to repeat another semester. I need to move on, stop being an economic burden to my family and start being an economic resource. Or at least, make a positive step in that direction.
It's difficult though, and not just because I've gotten myself into a mire of half-completed assignments and a semesters worth of catch-up work. It's also difficult because I've recently realized how much I absolutely love film making. I used to think that I just loved film because of the analysis side of things - to look at the cultural trends at work within a narrative has always been fun for me. Strange, I know.
But recently I've had the pleasure of working with some really passionate and driven artistic people and have had a blast making some great films that I'm really proud of. At the top of the list are a documentary that I directed and edited, and a music video that I helped produce and edit. I have no problem sacrificing myself to the world of making movies, and I'm beginning to wonder if that's some sort of sign that I've signed myself up for the wrong career path. Maybe I'm meant to be a maker of things, not just an analyzer of them? And if that's the case, have I just wasted five years of my life by focusing on a secondary passion?
It's this sort of self doubt that plagues me. I know that we're living in an age where jumping between professions is easier than ever. I know that it's not necessary to sign yourself up to one particular industry or company and never ever leave it. But at the same time, it helps if you have the right tools behind you. And I'm terrified of reaching the end of my degrees - what will be nine years of my life - and discovering that I spent it all on the wrong thing.
I guess this is a reflection of my generation - we don't like to waste time. Well, we do, but not on the big things. We want to know now that we're on the right track. And I know that comparatively I still will be getting my PhD quite young - but not as young as my friends who are currently in their last years!
It's interesting - I've never really been one to plan out my life. I grew up moving countries every three years, never knowing where my next school would be or who my next friends would be. I was happy to let things happen however they might, to let life blow me along and to just enjoy the ride. But throughout that I had the certainty of a loving and supportive family. Now that my family is fracturing from stress and sickness, I find myself worrying more and more about where the future will take me.
All I can do is keep moving forwards, I guess. I've put myself on a path and I need to see it out till the end - that's just the way that I am. I've thought about calling it quits at the end of this year, but I know that if I do then I'll spend my life wondering about how things would be different if I'd gone on and done what I'd set out to do.
So it's time to stop letting life get in the way and get on with things. I need to catch up on my assignments, I need to cram in a semester's worth of work into a few weeks. I know I can do it -I've done it before through sheer laziness and bad planning. Sure, my reasons this time are a bit different, and I've got different responsibilities now thanks to the situation with my father, but I need to suck myself out of this mire that I've gotten myself into.
I just need to keep reminding myself that I can. And really, that's the hardest part.
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